Appointment day

Today I went to the doctor, things seem to be working well, but the anxiety it's very bad, for the rest I'm well controlled, I can control the anxiety with exersise and the depression too, but the obsessions are vanishing and I'm very glad about it, so happy! I just been sleeping a lot lately and my dad's mad about it, my biological clock it's a mess n.nU but eventually I will get there. I feel happy and content about everything even about my ex husband, but I can't believe I leave such a good man slip from my hands!!! He's such a caring sweet guy, I wish I could make him love me again but it's all right, I still care about him and he cares about me. I hope we can be good friends in the future. Anyway, I found a job today, (finally!! I mean Girrrrrrrl you're 28, you can't be a loser forever) but I need money to get the papers I need, ah, money money money, money controls everything! Yay! But It will get better, (or will be?) 
Anyway that's my entry for today, stay healthy ❤
Selene Luna 🌙

Had fun today!

Today I went out with my friend, that one that I thought I was never gonna see again, and I had a lot of fun!!! We went with her husband to look at some anime figures and some shirts with Mario and Link print on it. They were so cool!! But a little expensive at the same time, so we came back with nothing in our hands. But they were just so cool!! There was a shirt from Majora's mask, amazing for kids, except I have no kids so I leave it there lol. There was another one of Link and it has all the Links from all the games, since beggining to skyward (because I guess botw wasn't out yet); then we went to eat some pizza, it was good!! Little caesars (boy they won't sue me right xD)and had some sodas. I felt a little guilty because I've been running and doing exersise in the stationary bicycle to take care of myself and I ate 3 pieces of pizza, 3!!! Sigh, one is never snough >. <. But I had an amazing day, I only worry about the night. I started to have this weird anxiety feeling before bed and I can't sleep, but I hope it goes away. I was weeping days away about the fact that I have no man to tell me he likes me, or I'm pretty, but I realize today I feel much calmer about it and that I'm fine this way, I actually like it more, I can do whatever I want without anybody telling me anything, or if I was with this or who or that, I actually feel more calmer and relaxed that I thought I was gonna be, I thought I was gonna be crying the lost of my husband but I'm doing pretty good now, and calmer and feel really realized, maybe I was depending too much on him so I feel like nothing's missing, I mean lots of people really dislike being alone, and I don't feel that way, I feel happy being alone, and having no one right now, it's a good feeling to not have to give explanations to anybody, or be home at certain time, it feels really good.

So, anyway, I hope things stay like that for a while and that my body gets used to the pills so I can regulate my sleep and stop sleeping so much so I can find a job soon. For now a picture of me on a skirt and princess coat.

Selene Luna 🌙

September 15th... actually... 16th already

Today is already the 16th and we mexicans know what that means, Independence day!!! Yay!!!! Well... not too much yay I don't celebrate it duh xD. I actually don't like to be in the spotlight that way, I enjoy it with friends but not that way, too much noise. Anyway today was an amazing day, we had a lot of fun with my sister, I'm telling you she's crazy we were laughing while she danced she's a rainbow from the rolling stones (man what a nice song). She's pretty funny I still laugh when I think about it, I was almost crying when I saw her. 
So it was a funny nice day, I went out and I hope to keep in contact with my best friend Liz that she's here but we haven't keep in touch because her phone's crazy and I don't know where she lives, but she called me today and I was showering so she didn't called back :( but I hope to get her phone number so we can plan going out maybe tomorrow or one of those days so we can relax from all the stress we're dealing with. Anyway I dyed my hair purple but looks red lol hope it falls soon it's getting everywhere and it's annoying me
Well that's all
Selene Luna 🌙

Good day!!

Today I had an amazing day! A really good one, I did a bunch of exersise and felt very good, I went for a run and use the stationary bicycle for a while, although I wanted to throw up, I didn't give up and keep doing exersise; the only problem is that I have to eat enough or I'll get sick, my head starts hurting really bad, but I hope I get better for tomorrow that it will be another run. Yeah it's embarrassing, but being embarrassed will take me nowhere. While I listen to kiss of love from the anything box (that they took the name from a book I haven't finish) I think about tomorrow and how to complete the day without problems. Is just I wanna lose some pounds for the next meeting I have so I'm doing my best for now, but I hope I can keep working hard. There's no secrets in this world to lose weight but perseverance so I will do my best to look good 😎 haha that's all for now.
Selene Luna 🌙

Wasn't gonna make a blog entry today

Today the entry will be short, while I listen to When the music's over from the doors (that is one of my favorite bands) I think and think about how I feel and realize it's nothing special. I don't think about anything bad or good but on the song, this song helps me escape from everything, it's just so good that I get captivated by it.
I took a while but I finally have my medicine, so it's a little hard I keep getting ups and downs by the lack of it, but I hope I can make it this time, I need to find a job, but last time the lack of understanding and information made people fired me. They fired me because I was sick, but I was good, really happy, I was even gonna study nursing but the lack of understanding of people made me lose my job. I had a pretty normal life when the medicine started to work so I guess it's just a matter of getting in track again. Well anyway, I feel a little better and kinda more relaxed even when I still think about things. Hope everything falls in place soon, for now I leave you guys with this pic of beautiful princess Zelda.

Suicide prevention week

Today starts the suicide prevention national week. It must be pretty sad for those who commited suicide from the 9th to the 15th without even knowing it was suicide prevention week the last years. I can't blame them, depression it's such an awful feeling, with awful thoughts and sensations (because we have to remember feelings come from thoughts that make us feel sad or happy, sensations are those that we perceive at the touch of something or somebody, depression can give us a bad sensation if someone harrassed us or did something awful and then something revive that sensation again. Hard to explain but I will get better I guess). I can't help but sight at those who commited suicide, I mean they say it takes courage to live but I feel it takes more courage to kill yourself, at least I can rather keep crying and fighting than killing myself and not knowing what's gonna happen after that. What if there is an after life? What if you become a ghost? What if you come back again and again? What if there's nothing and we are sleeping? Which one sounds worst? Well, you choose your pick because I think any it's scary as hell. And if someone comes and they're like, "girl, you're such a cry baby, you're always crying about being depressed" well I am!! I can't help it if in the mornings I don't feel like getting up, or if my head feels as if I'm two people or I'm double and I need medicine, remember not only one doctor diagnose me with bipolar, but three and not only one diagnose me as obsessive but 4 and I really mean FOUR!!! Instead of judging me I would like people to be more empathetic and realize if they feel like me they should reach for help, because people care about us. Even the ones on the internet we don't know are like "hey your life it's pretty valuable, don't waste it! Yeah there are other devils that are like "if you're gonna jump, jump already!" But those are people full of hate who's life it's pretty shitty (sorry) and they only feel good hating, if they bite their tongues they would instantly die with their own poison. So if you are dealing with the same as me please, reach for help, the situation it's not hopeless, we don't know you but we care about yourself well being. I'm a sarcastic woman that jokes around with many things, but still I care. Everybody cares about us, strangers, youtubers, actors, just people in general, so DON'T GIVE UP; as a person with bipolar and going through a divorce I tell you, DON'T GIVE UP, never give up because you don't know if your problem will solve tomorrow, or even if it's sadness over a loss of someone please that person wouldn't want you to die, so keep going, cry if possible but don't give up. 
Well this is my entry hope if anybody reads it it reach them, love for everybody ❤
Selene Luna 🌙

Another Entry

I decided to make another entry because I was very depressed about my way of thinking, my reality break down and how I feel about it. After praying hard and long (because I am a religious woman) I came to the realization that I'm crying while I'm not helping. What good is it to kill myself if I didn't try harder? What about my parents? What about the cost? I'm not a child anymore, I'm 28 years old and I have to realize things don't always go your way, even with my ex, I can't make him change his mind, like nobody can make me change mine. So I have to respect others space like they respect mine; but it's hard, damn hard to keep my mind out of the obsessions, out of the going crazy feeling and out of the "I'm divided in two" idea. I'm a crazy b****, but I'm not a bad person, I'm very sick and I want to get better, but I've been bad, and I have to deal with the consequences, no matter how difficult that is. As you can see I'm a very complicated person (religious and rock? Reincarnation and life out of earth? Bipolar Disorder? Agoraphobic? Ocd? God forbid I get married again!!) I'm bossy, very bossy and a chronic perfectionist but I'm not bad. Many guys told me, you have to find a guy that loves you that way, with flaws and everything, well I don't think so, I think if you can be a better version of yourself everyday you have to be, so I fight against that, I can't act like a kid I need to grow up. So I do realize, what a coward I've been, thinking about suicide? Noooo, think about fighting, about getting better, about being the best version of yourself. You can do this woman you're not a child anymore...

Selene Luna 🌙

Mood

I have to admit that today wasn't the best day of my life; it started good but all of a sudden I started to think about my ex and everything started to suck. Besides I dropped a whole pizza on the floor and had to buy another one. After thinking about my ex for a while, while listening to affection from cigarettes after sex (because when you're sad you have to play a song that makes you more sad and that one remind me of my ex), listening to a whole other bunch of songs that are pretty sad and while laying in bed I thought reality sucks!. We make our own reality, but people like me see and hear things that don't exist, and, at the same time, think with paranoia and psychosis, so when I see my reality, I wonder if it's worth living. Time felt really slow while I lay almost lifeless on the bed thinking and thinking like a doll without moving even a little then I looked at the time and in reality it has passed a whole hour, it was pretty sad to think that I feel this way and that the memories hurt so bad. And I kept thinking is it worth living? Taking pills, being sick and having headaches while having to deal with a divorce at the same time? Who will save me from this? Once in a while I need a hug and someone to be with me for a whole while, while they say "it's all right, you will overcome this and the clouds on the sky will disappear" I need a man to take care of me, what's the point on being "pretty" if you have no one to be there and tell you?. Anyway, I'm thinking seriously about suicide but I hope I don't make a stupid move, I have to keep fighting...
Selene Luna 🌙

Reincarnation, is it true?

Today one of my friends came to visit me, and I have to admit she's a very intelligent woman. We talk about different themes as if there's life in other planets and about reincarnation. People that know me really really deep knows I always dream with a man, that has the same features as me, dark hair and really pale skin, and that I am very afraid of him, as if he hurted me really bad in a past life, but we came to the conclusion that that is impossible, that it can't be, that maybe I saw something that made a big impact in my life and this man is a reflection of that fear. The weird part is that the type of guy I like has those features, I love dark haired pale skin guys and dark skinned guys too, my first two crushes were really dark, so dark that they didn't looked mexican, and I loved that, it's weird but that's how it is. I don't like pale guys with blonde hair and blue eyes, but my sweet baboo was like that and I started to like guys like that, but I go for dark skinned guys. But anyway I did what I had today so I feel really relaxed, and after realizing certain things, I came to the conclusion that I have to keep my personality and never change that, because it makes me me and nobody else's.
Mireya Luna 🌙 

Getting deeper on the disorder

Today is one of those days you don't feel like doing anything. I runned out of medicine so I will go and get it tomorrow, when I have to do those things I wonder am I really sick or is it my imagination? You see the problem with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or depression is that people think is in your hands and that you are dangerous. Nothing makes me more mad than hearing "oh sweetie it's just something that will go away if you try hard" I tried damn hard already and nothing changed, I feel divided in my head as if I were two people, even the neurologist thought I had a condition that was one in a million. But it's ok, I will never know if I do but for now I am diagnosed as a bipolar. We, (I mean bipolar people) never know stability, we visit the place but are not residents there. I am a happy-go-lucky intelligent woman, with a frail sensitive heart but a little bit of a temper, still very sarcastic and like joking around, but with my depression there are moments I don't wanna get out of bed, or I get so mad I explode easily or I get euphoric and act as a super human. I get sad, but I think about people with worst conditions and realize how selfish I sound, then I wanna cry because I can't do anything to help them. I do what I can but I'm no star to be able to do anything, so I stop thinking hecause then I get more depressed. But I have faith I seen good people around me, I have faith they can help.
Mireya Luna 🌙

Hard day, had to go out

Today was a little hard to deal because I had to go out and I have a phobia to do it, I realized nobody will ever read this until I kill myself and I'm not willing to do that for attention; I would never kill myself with that stupid idea, but anyway I realized I won't reach anybody so I decided to make this a diary. I deal with a cocktail of disorders, bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and agoraphobia. Today was a hard day because I had to go out and I feel depersonalization and derealization when I do it, my mind feels divided and as if I was two people in one body, but it doesn't matter because I keep going. Sometimes I realize how blessed I am because I can move and I can feel but others I feel as if I was so different that nobody likes me and I feel as if I were a cursed soul, then I wonder about reincarnation, if I did something really mean and bad in a past life that made me who I am, and keep coming to this life again and again until I correct my mistake, but then I realized that wouldn't be lovely at all or an act of love from God. I don't belong anywhere, even the doctor told me I was too different for my birthplace so people bully me because of it. I'm pale, as a ghost, have black hair and brown eyes in a place where people is dark skinned, so I was always called casper etc. People say I look like a doll but I feel as a broken doll. Why haven't I finished with my life you might wonder, well first because I like living, I might be a masochist but I like living and with that I like the pain because it makes me feel real, the next reason is because I am scared of dying and the last one because is a sin. But I believe I will be happy, we all deserve it so I do too, no matter how perfectionist and hot tempered I am, I will be happy one day, and with a book on my hands (that I wrote already) telling my story.
Mireya Luna 🌙

Monday

Today was an intense day, too many emotions for one day with my ex husband, I really care about him but I hope to leave this in the past soon. While I listen to Be yourself from audioslave I think on many things about my present, my past and my future. What is it gonna be when I come back and read those posts? Or maybe they won't exist anymore and people will never read them. It will never reach anybody, but that's ok because it's the way I take everything out. My ex was a good man, I can't help feeling I was the one making the mistake but what can you do when your emotions control you? Not much right? But anyway there's nothing much to say, I will always be the broken doll I am and I was, the cracks will always be there but I can put the pieces together and keep living, after all we all have cracks, ones bigger than others but we keep going; they will be filled with gold so they look prettier because all of them are a story to tell to people. So I have to keep my head straight, put a smile on my face and fight. Because I'm a fighter I survived many things and I never died, I had the opportunity to keep living and that's what counts, that I can see the blue sky or even when is gray and rains I can feel it in my body and that means I'm alive.
Mireya Luna 🌙

Sunday and a little bored

Today's Sunday, I'm very very bored, I have nothing to do but it's already late so it's ok because soon will be Monday. I wish I could had a job like everyone else does so I don't spend my lazy days walking from one extreme to the other, from the kitchen to my room and from my room to my brother's etc, because you see, I feel extremely anxious lately as if I'm waiting for something good or bad to happen so my chest feels as if someone's pressing on it and I can't breath. My pills are running low and last time they run out I couldn't get them until like 2 weeks later and at the end I felt so sick I was just there I didn't cared if I died or lived, I was depressed but at the same time was so anxious and talking so fast nobody could stop me. I'm getting a little better but sometimes I wish someone could stay with me, someone loved me and cared about me. I feel so ugly and sad, so mad at myself for being who I am I can hardly stand it. But I tend to forget nobody's perfect, still I hope the doctor, the pills and the therapist can help, because I am going nuts with my obsessions, still suicide it's not an option.
Mireya Luna 🌒

Early morning and I'm awake already

Today is Saturday and 4:40 am where I live, I simple couldn't go back to sleep. I woke up feeling my chest thighent up and like I couldn't breath because I had a dream. Yes ladies and gentleman a simple dream with a whole of meaning for me and raining outside like crazy doesn't help at all my feelings. I dream about the person I ever loved the most in my entire life, my first boyfriend and husband, you see he's gonna divorce me because I have bipolar disorder, he couldn't stand it anymore and I cried until I had no tears left, I feel better but in my dreams he came to visit me and I thought "I'm sleeping next to him, not with him" and repeated the words. It's very strange because I have no feelings for him anymore, but it's still very sad to know the disorder took everything I love the most, my love, jobs, friends I could have, kids I could had born, etc. It's quite sad to be honest but I believe things will turn out good at the end, I don't wanna die so even until the end I will keep fighting, hope if people read this I didn't bored them.
Mireya Luna ❤