Hard day, had to go out

Today was a little hard to deal because I had to go out and I have a phobia to do it, I realized nobody will ever read this until I kill myself and I'm not willing to do that for attention; I would never kill myself with that stupid idea, but anyway I realized I won't reach anybody so I decided to make this a diary. I deal with a cocktail of disorders, bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and agoraphobia. Today was a hard day because I had to go out and I feel depersonalization and derealization when I do it, my mind feels divided and as if I was two people in one body, but it doesn't matter because I keep going. Sometimes I realize how blessed I am because I can move and I can feel but others I feel as if I was so different that nobody likes me and I feel as if I were a cursed soul, then I wonder about reincarnation, if I did something really mean and bad in a past life that made me who I am, and keep coming to this life again and again until I correct my mistake, but then I realized that wouldn't be lovely at all or an act of love from God. I don't belong anywhere, even the doctor told me I was too different for my birthplace so people bully me because of it. I'm pale, as a ghost, have black hair and brown eyes in a place where people is dark skinned, so I was always called casper etc. People say I look like a doll but I feel as a broken doll. Why haven't I finished with my life you might wonder, well first because I like living, I might be a masochist but I like living and with that I like the pain because it makes me feel real, the next reason is because I am scared of dying and the last one because is a sin. But I believe I will be happy, we all deserve it so I do too, no matter how perfectionist and hot tempered I am, I will be happy one day, and with a book on my hands (that I wrote already) telling my story.
Mireya Luna 🌙