Mood

I have to admit that today wasn't the best day of my life; it started good but all of a sudden I started to think about my ex and everything started to suck. Besides I dropped a whole pizza on the floor and had to buy another one. After thinking about my ex for a while, while listening to affection from cigarettes after sex (because when you're sad you have to play a song that makes you more sad and that one remind me of my ex), listening to a whole other bunch of songs that are pretty sad and while laying in bed I thought reality sucks!. We make our own reality, but people like me see and hear things that don't exist, and, at the same time, think with paranoia and psychosis, so when I see my reality, I wonder if it's worth living. Time felt really slow while I lay almost lifeless on the bed thinking and thinking like a doll without moving even a little then I looked at the time and in reality it has passed a whole hour, it was pretty sad to think that I feel this way and that the memories hurt so bad. And I kept thinking is it worth living? Taking pills, being sick and having headaches while having to deal with a divorce at the same time? Who will save me from this? Once in a while I need a hug and someone to be with me for a whole while, while they say "it's all right, you will overcome this and the clouds on the sky will disappear" I need a man to take care of me, what's the point on being "pretty" if you have no one to be there and tell you?. Anyway, I'm thinking seriously about suicide but I hope I don't make a stupid move, I have to keep fighting...
Selene Luna 🌙

Reincarnation, is it true?

Today one of my friends came to visit me, and I have to admit she's a very intelligent woman. We talk about different themes as if there's life in other planets and about reincarnation. People that know me really really deep knows I always dream with a man, that has the same features as me, dark hair and really pale skin, and that I am very afraid of him, as if he hurted me really bad in a past life, but we came to the conclusion that that is impossible, that it can't be, that maybe I saw something that made a big impact in my life and this man is a reflection of that fear. The weird part is that the type of guy I like has those features, I love dark haired pale skin guys and dark skinned guys too, my first two crushes were really dark, so dark that they didn't looked mexican, and I loved that, it's weird but that's how it is. I don't like pale guys with blonde hair and blue eyes, but my sweet baboo was like that and I started to like guys like that, but I go for dark skinned guys. But anyway I did what I had today so I feel really relaxed, and after realizing certain things, I came to the conclusion that I have to keep my personality and never change that, because it makes me me and nobody else's.
Mireya Luna 🌙 

Getting deeper on the disorder

Today is one of those days you don't feel like doing anything. I runned out of medicine so I will go and get it tomorrow, when I have to do those things I wonder am I really sick or is it my imagination? You see the problem with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or depression is that people think is in your hands and that you are dangerous. Nothing makes me more mad than hearing "oh sweetie it's just something that will go away if you try hard" I tried damn hard already and nothing changed, I feel divided in my head as if I were two people, even the neurologist thought I had a condition that was one in a million. But it's ok, I will never know if I do but for now I am diagnosed as a bipolar. We, (I mean bipolar people) never know stability, we visit the place but are not residents there. I am a happy-go-lucky intelligent woman, with a frail sensitive heart but a little bit of a temper, still very sarcastic and like joking around, but with my depression there are moments I don't wanna get out of bed, or I get so mad I explode easily or I get euphoric and act as a super human. I get sad, but I think about people with worst conditions and realize how selfish I sound, then I wanna cry because I can't do anything to help them. I do what I can but I'm no star to be able to do anything, so I stop thinking hecause then I get more depressed. But I have faith I seen good people around me, I have faith they can help.
Mireya Luna 🌙

Hard day, had to go out

Today was a little hard to deal because I had to go out and I have a phobia to do it, I realized nobody will ever read this until I kill myself and I'm not willing to do that for attention; I would never kill myself with that stupid idea, but anyway I realized I won't reach anybody so I decided to make this a diary. I deal with a cocktail of disorders, bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and agoraphobia. Today was a hard day because I had to go out and I feel depersonalization and derealization when I do it, my mind feels divided and as if I was two people in one body, but it doesn't matter because I keep going. Sometimes I realize how blessed I am because I can move and I can feel but others I feel as if I was so different that nobody likes me and I feel as if I were a cursed soul, then I wonder about reincarnation, if I did something really mean and bad in a past life that made me who I am, and keep coming to this life again and again until I correct my mistake, but then I realized that wouldn't be lovely at all or an act of love from God. I don't belong anywhere, even the doctor told me I was too different for my birthplace so people bully me because of it. I'm pale, as a ghost, have black hair and brown eyes in a place where people is dark skinned, so I was always called casper etc. People say I look like a doll but I feel as a broken doll. Why haven't I finished with my life you might wonder, well first because I like living, I might be a masochist but I like living and with that I like the pain because it makes me feel real, the next reason is because I am scared of dying and the last one because is a sin. But I believe I will be happy, we all deserve it so I do too, no matter how perfectionist and hot tempered I am, I will be happy one day, and with a book on my hands (that I wrote already) telling my story.
Mireya Luna 🌙

Monday

Today was an intense day, too many emotions for one day with my ex husband, I really care about him but I hope to leave this in the past soon. While I listen to Be yourself from audioslave I think on many things about my present, my past and my future. What is it gonna be when I come back and read those posts? Or maybe they won't exist anymore and people will never read them. It will never reach anybody, but that's ok because it's the way I take everything out. My ex was a good man, I can't help feeling I was the one making the mistake but what can you do when your emotions control you? Not much right? But anyway there's nothing much to say, I will always be the broken doll I am and I was, the cracks will always be there but I can put the pieces together and keep living, after all we all have cracks, ones bigger than others but we keep going; they will be filled with gold so they look prettier because all of them are a story to tell to people. So I have to keep my head straight, put a smile on my face and fight. Because I'm a fighter I survived many things and I never died, I had the opportunity to keep living and that's what counts, that I can see the blue sky or even when is gray and rains I can feel it in my body and that means I'm alive.
Mireya Luna 🌙

Sunday and a little bored

Today's Sunday, I'm very very bored, I have nothing to do but it's already late so it's ok because soon will be Monday. I wish I could had a job like everyone else does so I don't spend my lazy days walking from one extreme to the other, from the kitchen to my room and from my room to my brother's etc, because you see, I feel extremely anxious lately as if I'm waiting for something good or bad to happen so my chest feels as if someone's pressing on it and I can't breath. My pills are running low and last time they run out I couldn't get them until like 2 weeks later and at the end I felt so sick I was just there I didn't cared if I died or lived, I was depressed but at the same time was so anxious and talking so fast nobody could stop me. I'm getting a little better but sometimes I wish someone could stay with me, someone loved me and cared about me. I feel so ugly and sad, so mad at myself for being who I am I can hardly stand it. But I tend to forget nobody's perfect, still I hope the doctor, the pills and the therapist can help, because I am going nuts with my obsessions, still suicide it's not an option.
Mireya Luna 🌒

Early morning and I'm awake already

Today is Saturday and 4:40 am where I live, I simple couldn't go back to sleep. I woke up feeling my chest thighent up and like I couldn't breath because I had a dream. Yes ladies and gentleman a simple dream with a whole of meaning for me and raining outside like crazy doesn't help at all my feelings. I dream about the person I ever loved the most in my entire life, my first boyfriend and husband, you see he's gonna divorce me because I have bipolar disorder, he couldn't stand it anymore and I cried until I had no tears left, I feel better but in my dreams he came to visit me and I thought "I'm sleeping next to him, not with him" and repeated the words. It's very strange because I have no feelings for him anymore, but it's still very sad to know the disorder took everything I love the most, my love, jobs, friends I could have, kids I could had born, etc. It's quite sad to be honest but I believe things will turn out good at the end, I don't wanna die so even until the end I will keep fighting, hope if people read this I didn't bored them.
Mireya Luna ❤